It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

“Hey Steph. You doing okay?”
“Yeah! I’m good. Tired, but hanging in there.”

If “hanging in there” is code for anything, it’s really, “hanging by a thread that’s about to snap if I put one more thought into how I’m feeling because I’m really not okay, but I don’t want to not be okay, so I’m telling you, myself, and God that I’m okay, but I’m really not… I’m not okay.” If I had a dime for every time I said something like “I’m good - hanging in there” but really meant everything else above, I’d be rich enough to quit my job, buy a nice house, and never EVER have to worry about running out of toilet paper. 

But how do I admit that to anyone when I can’t even admit it to myself? And how do I admit it to myself when I know there are much bigger problems in the world, that my problems are “not that big of a deal.” I’ve heard people say that more times than I can count, especially in the last couple of weeks, and I cringe every time I hear it. I want to shake them and say NO. Your problems ARE a big deal. Your feelings DO matter. God is in pain watching you in pain, no matter where your pain comes from, and you need to stop setting aside your feelings and minimizing your pain because you think it doesn’t matter as much as someone else’s. Then God whispers to me, “Did you get that?”

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

This verse presents the depth of feelings that Jesus himself possessed. Jesus was facing the illness and death of his friend Lazarus. (You can read the full story in John 11.) When Jesus arrived at the scene, Martha blamed Jesus for the death of Lazarus because she knew He could have healed him if Jesus were there in time. Martha started weeping at Jesus’ feet, overwhelmed with the grief of losing her brother. Jesus looked at her emotion, KNOWING that Lazarus was going to be raised from death to life in a matter of moments, and fell deep into His own emotions. He wept with her. He wept for her. He wept, despite the confidence He had in what was to come. He wept, despite the miracle He was already preparing. He wept with all the knowledge of Lazarus walking and hugging them again soon. 

Jesus wept out of the deepest, most raw emotion, seeing the pain that Martha was experiencing - even when He saw immediate joy right around the corner. He knew her weeping would end momentarily, but He still took the time to embrace the emotions of this moment with her.

“[Jesus] took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,’ he said to them.” Mark 14:33-34

Jesus was arrested moments later. My soul would be overwhelmed with sorrow too. But again, Jesus knew the plan. He saw the blueprints in Heaven, and He knew what would come of Him. He also knew He would face much suffering, but the outcome was joy and resolution. Even knowing the outcome was positive didn’t stop Jesus from feeling all the feels. He not only recognized His emotion for Himself, He didn’t hide them from others. He wept with his friends. He voiced his anguish.

If I knew the outcome was good and joyful, I don’t think I would feel so much grief, and I certainly wouldn’t look at Martha grieving and feel the same weight. But that’s just it. Jesus knew that what Martha was feeling was very real, despite the fact that most would see it as not a big deal because Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead. In the same way, He recognized the validity of His own emotion in Gethsemane, even though it could have been minimized because He knew He was going to rise from the grave.

If I am attentive to the way God created me, the way Jesus walked the earth, and the way the Holy Spirit encourages me to live the ABUNDANT life, then I have to recognize my emotions for all they’re worth.

They are worth a ton in God’s eyes, and what you are carrying is no comparison for what I am carrying which is no comparison for what my friend on Instagram is carrying. Just like comparison can destroy us when we focus on the good things other people have that we don’t, it can also destroy us when we believe that someone else’s pain is worse than ours and therefore, ours isn’t “a big deal.” If God feels anguish when you feel anguish, and you’re telling Him that it’s nonsensical for you to be feeling that way, then you’re telling God that He is nonsensical in feeling the same pain with you. I don’t know about you, but in my experience God is most certainly not nonsensical. 

If I want to be more like Jesus, then I need to be okay with not being okay, and be honest with my emotions.

Today, it may be that I’m tired of this Quarantine life. Tomorrow, it may be that I’m really bummed I won’t get to celebrate my 25th birthday the way I planned. Next week, it may be grief that someone I know has fallen ill or lost their job. The pain of each of those things is valid, real, and deserves attention.

It can become so easy to let our mental health get out of control when we aren’t attentive to the way God created us at the core of our being to face our deepest, darkest emotions in light of who He is. He cares for us, weeps with us, and carries us through it all. Will you let Jesus into the cavities of your heart to face the pain that you thought was “small enough” to hide? Our hope is in the reality that Jesus WANTS to weep with us because He wants us to realize that we’re not alone in our pain. That’s the joy of the Gospel, friends. That’s the joy I hold onto, even when I’m sitting in my feelings in all their messiness.